I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
