you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
