ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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