Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
