i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
