So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
