I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
