Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
