Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
