that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
