I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
