I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
