sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
