he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
