Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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