My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
this beer tastes like vomit already
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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