We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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