bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
