I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
