oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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