I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
