she woke up with a sticky ear
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
