she looked like the before picture.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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