Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
