Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
