Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
