hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
