Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
