I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
