So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
