Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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