Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
