I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
