At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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