i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
