In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
