i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
