Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
