I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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