Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
