by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
