Moan for me like Helen Keller
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
