I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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