Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
