ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
