so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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