I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
