Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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