My liver just broke up with me...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
