"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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