my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
