I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
