the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
